After not being able to get into my blog for several  years due to google taking over, I am back! Just celebrated my father in law's 80th birthday. It was a big celebration with about 90 people. I helped pick up decorations and his kids and grandkids sang HB to him. It felt odd to me to be doing this without hubby here. It's been 9 years and still these waves come out of nowhere and crash into me. This was a  little wave but still took me completely by surprize!

Tears Even After 3 1/2 Years

Wow I didn't write in here at all in 2012! Well the grief  waves have struck again. The other night the boys were listening to some music and doing some dance moves. J was dancing around and reminded me so much of  hubby that it just brough me to tears.  Last August we went to a wedding of one of hubby's relatives. J at a mere 9 years old was one of the star dancers. I kept thinking about how proud his dad would have been of him and how much fun they would have had on the dance floor. Also little R was a ringbearer and looked so cute in his tux and I could just see G beaming down from heaven.
I changed my profile pic on Facebook to one of  G and J holding hockey sticks in front of a net. G looks so happy and proud to be in that picture with his min hockey player. Tear agains began to roll as I think about all the future that the 2 of them have lost on earth. I know G has a great future in heaven but poor J doesn't get to enjoy shooting pucks with his dad.  I just LOVE that photo and need to think of how to present it in a frame or something....

The Kids--2 1/2 years later

Sometimes I wonder what the boys are thinking or feeling or how they are doing without their dad around. It saddens me to see that they are adjusting to life without them and living the "new normal". But then something takes me by surprize. My remembrance day post from 2010 stated how J mentioned his dad in his daily journal writing. Now almost a year later, he wrote almost the identical thing. The word they had for their journal was "remember", the same as a year ago. The sentence he chose to write with that word was "I remember my dad died when I was almost 6".
Then tonight R's Beaver Scout group went to visit the local fire station. The firemen were asking the boys questions with regards to safety and asked "Has anyone called 9-1-1?". R puts up his hand and says "yah". Fireman: "you called 911?"
R: "My dad.."
Fireman: "Your dad called 911?"
R: "My dad died"
Fireman:"Oh, I"m sorry".
I was standing there with about 5 other parents, all of whom did not know our situation. As the fireman carried on with the conversation, my eyes started to well up but I managed to maintain my composure and carry on. It just shocked me a little bit how it just came out and yet being so young, he didn't even think twice about what he was saying..it was just a part of him.

Thanksgiving Day

Today is Thanksgiving in Canada. Another holiday, another day without my husband. Every year we usually have Thanksgiving dinner at my mom's house with my mom's side of the family. The 1st year we went out of town instead.
This year it kind of hit me at the dinner how sad it was to not only have my husband missing but also my cousin who just passed away 2 1/2 months ago. His wife was there and I thought about how she must be feeling when the loss is so fresh and raw and new. It also made me think about my uncle who passed away 5 years ago. All these family members now missing from our annual thanksgiving tradition. On Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my family, but I am sad and miss those that are no longer with us.

730 Days

So today is the 2nd year SADIVERSARY. Yesterday I took the boys to the cemetery to release balloons up to heaven and I tied 1 mylar balloon to the vase.Today, I went to the cemetery by myself and as I was standing there staring at the name plate in disbelief, the balloon brushed against my leg from the wind and stayed on my leg. It was as if it was a sign from G and he was hugging me to say "it's ok". This is the 1st time I felt like I received a "sign". The balloon had to reach out pretty far to be near my leg so it seemed pretty intentional rather than random. It seemed like the balloon had a personality like that of a child or a pet wanting to be near my leg, close to me...

Ring, Grief, and other stuff

I have the luxury of knowing an acquaintance who is a freelance jeweller. He made our wedding bands when we got married. I went to see him about a month ago to have my solitaire engagement ring sized up slightly so that I could wear it on my right ring finger. While I was there I also took some other items to be repaired as well as our wedding bands, just to have them polished up. I wasn't sure what to do with them but after talking to him decided to have them melted into a ring that I was thinking about buying for myself. So I now have it and I am very pleased with it. It is a band with 10 tiny scattered diamonds on it. The 10 diamonds are significant in 2 ways, 1 in that they could represent what would have been our 10th wedding anniversary this year. However since he is not here to celebrate that milestone I can't really call it a 10 year anniversary band. However I knew him for 2 years before we got married and we were married for almost 8 years when he passed so I would like to think that those 10 little diamonds represent the 10 years that we knew each other. Maybe I will tak a picture and post it one day.

Today I went to see a counsellor about J as he still has a lot of deep rooted fears and has a hard time controlling his emotions and anger. So we are in the process of setting up some counselling sessions for him. What I didn't expect was how my grief started to come out in this meeting. In one month, we will have hit the 2 year mark and it is still shocking that G is no longer with us after a sudden heart attack. Anyway, the counsellor could see it was upsetting me and suggested that I should see a grief counsellor.
He just made me realize somehow that even though all along, I've been saying that i am fine and that the real challenge is being an "only " parent, the parenting issue is secondary and the root issue is grief. I 've never though of it that way as I've always felt that I've handled the grief ok. But what I am starting to realize is that actually I have been avoiding the grief and covering it up with the busyness of life with 2 young boys. Wow, what an eye opener almost 2 years later! So maybe I do need to talk to someone... about my anger, my "why" questions, my denial, my need to move to acceptance, and so much more...

To Tell or Not to Tell

I wonder if other widows/widowers struggle like i do to let people know that my husband died. People in my office know because i had been with that job only 4 months when it happened. However people that have started working there after his passing don't know. I wonder if I should tell them to save them the embarassment and me the awkwardness of them assuming that i have a husband since they know I have kids.
It's just awkward for me if someone makes a general comment about spouses or husbands and I sit there quietly and not say anything.

Entertaining

So tomorrow I am having 2 familes over for dinner at my house. There will be a total of 12 of us. This will be the first time I have entertained at home without my hubby alive. I have made it simple so I am not really cooking. Just throwing a premade lasagna in the oven and baking some chicken drumsticks. The point of the get together it to see out of town guests and let the kids play together. As much as I want to do this and do feel that I am finally ready, part of me is struggling with the idea of entertaining on my own. I miss planning out the menu with G, I miss him helping prep the food, cleaning up the pots and dishes while I am cooking so that "there is less mess to clean up later", helping set the table,setting out the drinks and glasses, lining baking dishes with foil for me, doing dishes after dinner so I can socialize with the guests. I miss it all. I know once the guests arrive, all will be fine but just thinking about it is the hard part.

November 11 Remembrance Day

A day of remembering our soldiers who fought for our country and lost their lives. In my mind also a day to remember a husband who lost his life to natural causes and is no longer with us on a statory holiday. Today was lonely..different than say Christmas or Easter as those celebrations are family times. Lonely because this is just another day off to just hang out and do nothing. We went out in the morning with friends so the kids could play and have lunch. However I was in no rush to get home after lunch as we had absolutely nothing planned for the rest of the day and coming home to an empty house did not appeal to me. Also my kids were very whiny/agitated today and it was depressing to think that I will be spending the rest of the day ALONE with them. Not that I don't want to be with them, but it is so draining having to take care of them on my own without anyone helping me. I don't want to be a single parent, I didn't ask to be a single parent and I never planned to be a single parent. I had dreams, dreams of having a nice family and doing things together. Now those dreams are shattered. No longer can I plan a vacation with my husband and take the kids somewhere fun together as a family. It just sucks. You think you are doing fine and then the pain of loneliness and loss rears its ugly head again. J's school assigment was to write a sentence with the word "remember" in it. I guess it was tied to the holiday. and he wrote "I remember when my dad died(but he didn't fight in the war)"
On a happy note, little R lost his 1st tooth a couple of days ago at only 4 3/4 years old. No more baby!

Joys of a Preschooler

RJ started preshcool last week. One of the moms offered to take him to preschool if I dropped him off at her house. Works great for me because otherwise I don't get to work until 10 am. Anyway, yesterday was his first day of the carpool. When I dropped him off, he had a HUGE smile on his face and was so happy. You see, we often drop his older brother off at friend's houses to be carpooled to school or summer daycamps.This is the 1st time RJ has had the same opportunity as his brother and he was thrilled to bits! Then when i picked him up later, he was so happy and shouted "Mommy I GOT HOMEWORK!!" as he showed the paper to me which had the letter A on it for him to tracen and learn how to write letters. I was just so pleased so see him so happy.

Day # 4

Day #4 of crying that is.
Dinner time: 7 yr old..whining and whining that he wants to eat ribs when he knows they are about to come out of the oven and will be hot. He just pushes my buttons. I had to go downstairs away from him to give myself a time out or else I would have been yelling incessantly at him.

Bed time: 4 yr old drags it out like he does every night.
I have no more patience and am drained. I ran out of 4 yr old bedroom crying and rolling onto my bed like a child having a tantrum and just lay there and sobbed.

I feel defeated and that i keep trying to get up but hit a wall. It's like going through a maze...but I can't find the finish line just lots of dead ends each one another conflict or issue with my boyz.

I know if late hubby were here, my kids would not be like this. He would not let them. I didn't like the way he disciplined our children but regardless, what he did worked and whatever I am doing is not working.

On being a Single Parent

It sucks. Being suddenly thrown into single parenting without having a say in the matter really sucks. Dear Hubby was the disciplinarian..with him gone, all respect for mom has gone out the window. 4 year old says "mom is stupid", "I hate mom". 7 year old threw a very large "finger crayon" (kind with a point ont the end) at the back of my head when I told him he couldn't eat snacks later since he didn't want to eat his breakfast. It's the same breakfast he has eaten many times before, but decided today that "it smells". Funny how his younger brother didnt' notice a "smell". 4 year old has a complete mind of his own and will block me out when I talk or push and push to get his way. I am mentally exhausted and feel defeated. I have cried 3 days in a row at the lack of cooperation I get from my kids and that fact that they misbehave and don't listen. I feel so inept like I can't look after them and sometimes feel like leaving the house because I dont' want to be around them. I will see a counsellor soon as I don't know what to do anymore.

My Birthday

How is it that a birthday that is supposed to be a happy occasion can turn into a not so happy one..especially when you are a widow. Woke up today and thought my 4 and 7 year old are oblivious to the birthday protocol so could not even get a hug out of them when I asked for a birthday hug. If hubby was around, I would have had a card and present in my bed to awaken me before I actually got up. I would hope that 1 of the 3 grandparents would think to try and get the kids to write a card for me or give me something tiny..even a drawing…


Don’t get me wrong, I got lots of birthday wishes via email and I did go out for dinner to celebrate with the kids and their grandparents. The tough thing today was I received a package at work via courier from hubby’s sister who lives far away. Inside was some lovely chocolates with a card that said “He would have wanted you to have chocolate on your birthday” . I was so touched yet at the same time so sad and had to go the the washroom to release my cry. Having my birthday so close to Father’s Day just makes it a little bit tougher.  Anyway tomorrow is another day!

Father's Day

Last year I tried not to think about Father's Day since it was only 2months after hubby passed. This year I tried not to think too much about it and not make any real plans.On Friday,JJ came home with a card he made for Dad. It was really touching. Father's Day was hard for me..not what I expected. I took the boys to church  and as I sat by myself during the singing/ worship, I looked around at the families celebrating Father's Day and I was moved to tears.

The 5 Month Life

Today I went to a memorial service for a 5 month old baby girl. The one I wrote about  a couple of weeks ago. Seeing that tiny little coffin, it was hard to imagine that there was actually a baby in there. It was so very sad. The father of the baby is a friend of mine and someone I worked for and with on a daily basis for almost 5 years.To see him and his wife mourning the loss of their sweet baby girl was simply heart wrenching. I think about what they are doing and feeling right now after the service is over. I think back to what I felt and did during that 1st week after hubby passed 13 months ago. People say I can relate to how they are feeling. In some ways yes...the shock part I think.But losing an infant child is so different from losing a spouse even if it was sudden and the spouse was youg. This baby angel only had a few months to experience life.
I still can't believe that this has happened..so surreal..like it was when my husband died.

Those that don't know

Today I got a phone call and the person asked for my husband by name. I immediately said "who's calling" and they said something to do with voter registration. I quickly interrupted her and said "he's deceased". She apologized and said she will upate her records. I hung up the phone and burst into tears. I think that is the first time I have said that out loud. I've done paperwork with the word "deceased" on it but never had to say it. Just one of those emotion triggers I guess. It's always hard knowing when is the appropriate time to tell someone that has no clue. It catches them off guard and they feel awful.

The Connection

It suddenly hit me today...why is it that whenever I bump into a friend of my hubby's I am moved to tears? It could be in a mall, at the store, at my kid's hockey game...The more I thought about it the more I realized that's it's because they are my "connection" to him. These are people that we wouldn't  normally hang out with as a couple and more really his friends,either from work, hockey or someone he's known for a while before even meeting me. Knowing that that person has memories of him that I may not even know about and that they too are aching from his loss makes me well up inside. Of course, if they come and give me a hug, then the flood gates entirely open up. It is those unspoken words of  "we both miss him and are hurting" that are floating in the air amidst the embrace. That is my revelation for today!

Coping

Some days I feel like I can handle this new lifestyle. I am ok with it. Other days it is so hard. Being suddenly thrown into single parenthood at the same time as dealing with the shock of the sudden passing of a life partner is a lot to bear. I previously said I dread weekends. Today is a good example of why.
I don't seem to have patience to spend 48hours straight with my boyz. I need a break...a friend suggested I send them for a sleepover at grandparent's..what a great idea so I did it today. I so needed a break from them. I sometimes feel guilty that I honestly want to be away from them but they drain me and exhaust me. I love them so much yet my patience string is so short and being with them for so long causes me stress. They dont' listen and it frustrates me. At 7 years old, JJ can not be controlled....and 4 yr old little brother just wants to follow everything big brother does. Come brush your teeth, get changed, we are going, eat your lunch, dont' hit your brother, on and on it goes...i sound like a nag..maybe that's why they don't listen!! So many emotions to deal with in a day..anger, frustration, guilt, impatience, despair....
I guess I need to think about the good days, when I having a bad one...

Friday Fears

Today is Friday. Most people look forward to Fridays. Most people like Fridays. Not me. Aside from the fact that Friday is the day my husband died, it is also a day that loneliness comes on the most. As I drive home from work on my way to pick up the kids, it always feels lonely because I know that we have a weekend ahead of us without hubby to do family stuff with. Because my boys are so young and active, it is hard for me to take them both out on my own. Usually from Monday to Thursday night, I have another adult in my house helping me with the kids, like Grandma or nanny. But Fridays is just the 3 of us. I sometimes dread it so will make a point of hanging out with Grandma. I hate that losing my husband has caused me to feel insecure and needy in so many ways. I need to get past this but it's hard.

Hardship of Others

Today I found out that my former supervisor's  4 month old baby girl is in   hospital. I was asked by a mutual friend to pray for her as her situation is quite serious and does not look good. This has been on my mind all day long. I am scared for this family, scared of what they may have to face. I believe in prayer and I have been praying all day and yet I can't shake the fear of the worst. God please look after this sweet baby and make her well again.