The Kids--2 1/2 years later

Sometimes I wonder what the boys are thinking or feeling or how they are doing without their dad around. It saddens me to see that they are adjusting to life without them and living the "new normal". But then something takes me by surprize. My remembrance day post from 2010 stated how J mentioned his dad in his daily journal writing. Now almost a year later, he wrote almost the identical thing. The word they had for their journal was "remember", the same as a year ago. The sentence he chose to write with that word was "I remember my dad died when I was almost 6".
Then tonight R's Beaver Scout group went to visit the local fire station. The firemen were asking the boys questions with regards to safety and asked "Has anyone called 9-1-1?". R puts up his hand and says "yah". Fireman: "you called 911?"
R: "My dad.."
Fireman: "Your dad called 911?"
R: "My dad died"
Fireman:"Oh, I"m sorry".
I was standing there with about 5 other parents, all of whom did not know our situation. As the fireman carried on with the conversation, my eyes started to well up but I managed to maintain my composure and carry on. It just shocked me a little bit how it just came out and yet being so young, he didn't even think twice about what he was saying..it was just a part of him.

Thanksgiving Day

Today is Thanksgiving in Canada. Another holiday, another day without my husband. Every year we usually have Thanksgiving dinner at my mom's house with my mom's side of the family. The 1st year we went out of town instead.
This year it kind of hit me at the dinner how sad it was to not only have my husband missing but also my cousin who just passed away 2 1/2 months ago. His wife was there and I thought about how she must be feeling when the loss is so fresh and raw and new. It also made me think about my uncle who passed away 5 years ago. All these family members now missing from our annual thanksgiving tradition. On Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my family, but I am sad and miss those that are no longer with us.

730 Days

So today is the 2nd year SADIVERSARY. Yesterday I took the boys to the cemetery to release balloons up to heaven and I tied 1 mylar balloon to the vase.Today, I went to the cemetery by myself and as I was standing there staring at the name plate in disbelief, the balloon brushed against my leg from the wind and stayed on my leg. It was as if it was a sign from G and he was hugging me to say "it's ok". This is the 1st time I felt like I received a "sign". The balloon had to reach out pretty far to be near my leg so it seemed pretty intentional rather than random. It seemed like the balloon had a personality like that of a child or a pet wanting to be near my leg, close to me...

Ring, Grief, and other stuff

I have the luxury of knowing an acquaintance who is a freelance jeweller. He made our wedding bands when we got married. I went to see him about a month ago to have my solitaire engagement ring sized up slightly so that I could wear it on my right ring finger. While I was there I also took some other items to be repaired as well as our wedding bands, just to have them polished up. I wasn't sure what to do with them but after talking to him decided to have them melted into a ring that I was thinking about buying for myself. So I now have it and I am very pleased with it. It is a band with 10 tiny scattered diamonds on it. The 10 diamonds are significant in 2 ways, 1 in that they could represent what would have been our 10th wedding anniversary this year. However since he is not here to celebrate that milestone I can't really call it a 10 year anniversary band. However I knew him for 2 years before we got married and we were married for almost 8 years when he passed so I would like to think that those 10 little diamonds represent the 10 years that we knew each other. Maybe I will tak a picture and post it one day.

Today I went to see a counsellor about J as he still has a lot of deep rooted fears and has a hard time controlling his emotions and anger. So we are in the process of setting up some counselling sessions for him. What I didn't expect was how my grief started to come out in this meeting. In one month, we will have hit the 2 year mark and it is still shocking that G is no longer with us after a sudden heart attack. Anyway, the counsellor could see it was upsetting me and suggested that I should see a grief counsellor.
He just made me realize somehow that even though all along, I've been saying that i am fine and that the real challenge is being an "only " parent, the parenting issue is secondary and the root issue is grief. I 've never though of it that way as I've always felt that I've handled the grief ok. But what I am starting to realize is that actually I have been avoiding the grief and covering it up with the busyness of life with 2 young boys. Wow, what an eye opener almost 2 years later! So maybe I do need to talk to someone... about my anger, my "why" questions, my denial, my need to move to acceptance, and so much more...

To Tell or Not to Tell

I wonder if other widows/widowers struggle like i do to let people know that my husband died. People in my office know because i had been with that job only 4 months when it happened. However people that have started working there after his passing don't know. I wonder if I should tell them to save them the embarassment and me the awkwardness of them assuming that i have a husband since they know I have kids.
It's just awkward for me if someone makes a general comment about spouses or husbands and I sit there quietly and not say anything.

Entertaining

So tomorrow I am having 2 familes over for dinner at my house. There will be a total of 12 of us. This will be the first time I have entertained at home without my hubby alive. I have made it simple so I am not really cooking. Just throwing a premade lasagna in the oven and baking some chicken drumsticks. The point of the get together it to see out of town guests and let the kids play together. As much as I want to do this and do feel that I am finally ready, part of me is struggling with the idea of entertaining on my own. I miss planning out the menu with G, I miss him helping prep the food, cleaning up the pots and dishes while I am cooking so that "there is less mess to clean up later", helping set the table,setting out the drinks and glasses, lining baking dishes with foil for me, doing dishes after dinner so I can socialize with the guests. I miss it all. I know once the guests arrive, all will be fine but just thinking about it is the hard part.