Coping

Some days I feel like I can handle this new lifestyle. I am ok with it. Other days it is so hard. Being suddenly thrown into single parenthood at the same time as dealing with the shock of the sudden passing of a life partner is a lot to bear. I previously said I dread weekends. Today is a good example of why.
I don't seem to have patience to spend 48hours straight with my boyz. I need a break...a friend suggested I send them for a sleepover at grandparent's..what a great idea so I did it today. I so needed a break from them. I sometimes feel guilty that I honestly want to be away from them but they drain me and exhaust me. I love them so much yet my patience string is so short and being with them for so long causes me stress. They dont' listen and it frustrates me. At 7 years old, JJ can not be controlled....and 4 yr old little brother just wants to follow everything big brother does. Come brush your teeth, get changed, we are going, eat your lunch, dont' hit your brother, on and on it goes...i sound like a nag..maybe that's why they don't listen!! So many emotions to deal with in a day..anger, frustration, guilt, impatience, despair....
I guess I need to think about the good days, when I having a bad one...

Friday Fears

Today is Friday. Most people look forward to Fridays. Most people like Fridays. Not me. Aside from the fact that Friday is the day my husband died, it is also a day that loneliness comes on the most. As I drive home from work on my way to pick up the kids, it always feels lonely because I know that we have a weekend ahead of us without hubby to do family stuff with. Because my boys are so young and active, it is hard for me to take them both out on my own. Usually from Monday to Thursday night, I have another adult in my house helping me with the kids, like Grandma or nanny. But Fridays is just the 3 of us. I sometimes dread it so will make a point of hanging out with Grandma. I hate that losing my husband has caused me to feel insecure and needy in so many ways. I need to get past this but it's hard.

Hardship of Others

Today I found out that my former supervisor's  4 month old baby girl is in   hospital. I was asked by a mutual friend to pray for her as her situation is quite serious and does not look good. This has been on my mind all day long. I am scared for this family, scared of what they may have to face. I believe in prayer and I have been praying all day and yet I can't shake the fear of the worst. God please look after this sweet baby and make her well again.

The Memories

4 year old RJ asked me today to tell him more stuff about what Daddy did with him. I am struggling, struggling to give RJ memories of his dad. He had such a short time with him that I want to preserve as many memories for him as I can. Yet all I can pull out are about 4 or 5 memories for the 2 of them. Why is that? It's like my brain has wiped them out. I am sad for RJ, that he won't remember his dad. Fortunately I have lots of photos and video footage. Part of me wants to bring out all the videos to try and find footage of him so RJ can remember him but part of me doesn't want to as I know it will be very painful to watch.

Mother's Day -No More "First's"

Last year, Mother's Day was the first special occasion that I was to celebrate without hubby around. I don't really remember much about it since he had just passed away 3 weeks prior and everything was and is a blur around that time. So now that I am hitting Mother's Day a 2nd time without him, it looks like there are no more special occasion "firsts".  Anticpating a special occasion is always tough when you are grieving. Hubby used to give me two cards..one from him and one from the kids that he wrote in kiddie handwriting as the kids were too small to write it themselved. JJ is about to turn 7 so he can write cards himself now. The other day JJ said to me, "Mom, I can't make you breakfast for Mother's Day because I don't know how". I told him he knows how to make a bowl of ceral so we'll see what, if anything he comes up with tomorrow. Tomorrow we are having dinner to celebrate Mother's Day with his extended family like we do every single year. It's just weird celebrating anything without him around. He used to buy lottery tickets for his grandmothers and put them in their cards. I really don't know what to get for his grandmothers so i bought some lottery tickets today that I will put in their cards so that my kids can give them to their great grandma's.

Obsession

1 Year into Widowhood and I am obsessed with Widows on the internet. I want to read their blogs, find Facebook pages, join Yahoo groups. I guess I just want to see how others in the same situation as me are handling their widowed life and if their experiences are similar to my experiences.
Funny I started this blogsite 16 months ago, just after we came back from a family trip to San Diego. I only did one post..a draft of our San Diego trip as our 1st day was the worst type of travel day one could experience. I never did publish the post and it just sat dormant all that time.That was our last family trip together.  Little did I know that 4 months later, I would suddenly lose my husband and father to my 2 sons, aged 3 and almost 6. So here I am now, officially starting the blog as a widow.