Ring, Grief, and other stuff

I have the luxury of knowing an acquaintance who is a freelance jeweller. He made our wedding bands when we got married. I went to see him about a month ago to have my solitaire engagement ring sized up slightly so that I could wear it on my right ring finger. While I was there I also took some other items to be repaired as well as our wedding bands, just to have them polished up. I wasn't sure what to do with them but after talking to him decided to have them melted into a ring that I was thinking about buying for myself. So I now have it and I am very pleased with it. It is a band with 10 tiny scattered diamonds on it. The 10 diamonds are significant in 2 ways, 1 in that they could represent what would have been our 10th wedding anniversary this year. However since he is not here to celebrate that milestone I can't really call it a 10 year anniversary band. However I knew him for 2 years before we got married and we were married for almost 8 years when he passed so I would like to think that those 10 little diamonds represent the 10 years that we knew each other. Maybe I will tak a picture and post it one day.

Today I went to see a counsellor about J as he still has a lot of deep rooted fears and has a hard time controlling his emotions and anger. So we are in the process of setting up some counselling sessions for him. What I didn't expect was how my grief started to come out in this meeting. In one month, we will have hit the 2 year mark and it is still shocking that G is no longer with us after a sudden heart attack. Anyway, the counsellor could see it was upsetting me and suggested that I should see a grief counsellor.
He just made me realize somehow that even though all along, I've been saying that i am fine and that the real challenge is being an "only " parent, the parenting issue is secondary and the root issue is grief. I 've never though of it that way as I've always felt that I've handled the grief ok. But what I am starting to realize is that actually I have been avoiding the grief and covering it up with the busyness of life with 2 young boys. Wow, what an eye opener almost 2 years later! So maybe I do need to talk to someone... about my anger, my "why" questions, my denial, my need to move to acceptance, and so much more...

To Tell or Not to Tell

I wonder if other widows/widowers struggle like i do to let people know that my husband died. People in my office know because i had been with that job only 4 months when it happened. However people that have started working there after his passing don't know. I wonder if I should tell them to save them the embarassment and me the awkwardness of them assuming that i have a husband since they know I have kids.
It's just awkward for me if someone makes a general comment about spouses or husbands and I sit there quietly and not say anything.

Entertaining

So tomorrow I am having 2 familes over for dinner at my house. There will be a total of 12 of us. This will be the first time I have entertained at home without my hubby alive. I have made it simple so I am not really cooking. Just throwing a premade lasagna in the oven and baking some chicken drumsticks. The point of the get together it to see out of town guests and let the kids play together. As much as I want to do this and do feel that I am finally ready, part of me is struggling with the idea of entertaining on my own. I miss planning out the menu with G, I miss him helping prep the food, cleaning up the pots and dishes while I am cooking so that "there is less mess to clean up later", helping set the table,setting out the drinks and glasses, lining baking dishes with foil for me, doing dishes after dinner so I can socialize with the guests. I miss it all. I know once the guests arrive, all will be fine but just thinking about it is the hard part.

November 11 Remembrance Day

A day of remembering our soldiers who fought for our country and lost their lives. In my mind also a day to remember a husband who lost his life to natural causes and is no longer with us on a statory holiday. Today was lonely..different than say Christmas or Easter as those celebrations are family times. Lonely because this is just another day off to just hang out and do nothing. We went out in the morning with friends so the kids could play and have lunch. However I was in no rush to get home after lunch as we had absolutely nothing planned for the rest of the day and coming home to an empty house did not appeal to me. Also my kids were very whiny/agitated today and it was depressing to think that I will be spending the rest of the day ALONE with them. Not that I don't want to be with them, but it is so draining having to take care of them on my own without anyone helping me. I don't want to be a single parent, I didn't ask to be a single parent and I never planned to be a single parent. I had dreams, dreams of having a nice family and doing things together. Now those dreams are shattered. No longer can I plan a vacation with my husband and take the kids somewhere fun together as a family. It just sucks. You think you are doing fine and then the pain of loneliness and loss rears its ugly head again. J's school assigment was to write a sentence with the word "remember" in it. I guess it was tied to the holiday. and he wrote "I remember when my dad died(but he didn't fight in the war)"
On a happy note, little R lost his 1st tooth a couple of days ago at only 4 3/4 years old. No more baby!

Joys of a Preschooler

RJ started preshcool last week. One of the moms offered to take him to preschool if I dropped him off at her house. Works great for me because otherwise I don't get to work until 10 am. Anyway, yesterday was his first day of the carpool. When I dropped him off, he had a HUGE smile on his face and was so happy. You see, we often drop his older brother off at friend's houses to be carpooled to school or summer daycamps.This is the 1st time RJ has had the same opportunity as his brother and he was thrilled to bits! Then when i picked him up later, he was so happy and shouted "Mommy I GOT HOMEWORK!!" as he showed the paper to me which had the letter A on it for him to tracen and learn how to write letters. I was just so pleased so see him so happy.

Day # 4

Day #4 of crying that is.
Dinner time: 7 yr old..whining and whining that he wants to eat ribs when he knows they are about to come out of the oven and will be hot. He just pushes my buttons. I had to go downstairs away from him to give myself a time out or else I would have been yelling incessantly at him.

Bed time: 4 yr old drags it out like he does every night.
I have no more patience and am drained. I ran out of 4 yr old bedroom crying and rolling onto my bed like a child having a tantrum and just lay there and sobbed.

I feel defeated and that i keep trying to get up but hit a wall. It's like going through a maze...but I can't find the finish line just lots of dead ends each one another conflict or issue with my boyz.

I know if late hubby were here, my kids would not be like this. He would not let them. I didn't like the way he disciplined our children but regardless, what he did worked and whatever I am doing is not working.

On being a Single Parent

It sucks. Being suddenly thrown into single parenting without having a say in the matter really sucks. Dear Hubby was the disciplinarian..with him gone, all respect for mom has gone out the window. 4 year old says "mom is stupid", "I hate mom". 7 year old threw a very large "finger crayon" (kind with a point ont the end) at the back of my head when I told him he couldn't eat snacks later since he didn't want to eat his breakfast. It's the same breakfast he has eaten many times before, but decided today that "it smells". Funny how his younger brother didnt' notice a "smell". 4 year old has a complete mind of his own and will block me out when I talk or push and push to get his way. I am mentally exhausted and feel defeated. I have cried 3 days in a row at the lack of cooperation I get from my kids and that fact that they misbehave and don't listen. I feel so inept like I can't look after them and sometimes feel like leaving the house because I dont' want to be around them. I will see a counsellor soon as I don't know what to do anymore.