Day # 4

Day #4 of crying that is.
Dinner time: 7 yr old..whining and whining that he wants to eat ribs when he knows they are about to come out of the oven and will be hot. He just pushes my buttons. I had to go downstairs away from him to give myself a time out or else I would have been yelling incessantly at him.

Bed time: 4 yr old drags it out like he does every night.
I have no more patience and am drained. I ran out of 4 yr old bedroom crying and rolling onto my bed like a child having a tantrum and just lay there and sobbed.

I feel defeated and that i keep trying to get up but hit a wall. It's like going through a maze...but I can't find the finish line just lots of dead ends each one another conflict or issue with my boyz.

I know if late hubby were here, my kids would not be like this. He would not let them. I didn't like the way he disciplined our children but regardless, what he did worked and whatever I am doing is not working.

On being a Single Parent

It sucks. Being suddenly thrown into single parenting without having a say in the matter really sucks. Dear Hubby was the disciplinarian..with him gone, all respect for mom has gone out the window. 4 year old says "mom is stupid", "I hate mom". 7 year old threw a very large "finger crayon" (kind with a point ont the end) at the back of my head when I told him he couldn't eat snacks later since he didn't want to eat his breakfast. It's the same breakfast he has eaten many times before, but decided today that "it smells". Funny how his younger brother didnt' notice a "smell". 4 year old has a complete mind of his own and will block me out when I talk or push and push to get his way. I am mentally exhausted and feel defeated. I have cried 3 days in a row at the lack of cooperation I get from my kids and that fact that they misbehave and don't listen. I feel so inept like I can't look after them and sometimes feel like leaving the house because I dont' want to be around them. I will see a counsellor soon as I don't know what to do anymore.

My Birthday

How is it that a birthday that is supposed to be a happy occasion can turn into a not so happy one..especially when you are a widow. Woke up today and thought my 4 and 7 year old are oblivious to the birthday protocol so could not even get a hug out of them when I asked for a birthday hug. If hubby was around, I would have had a card and present in my bed to awaken me before I actually got up. I would hope that 1 of the 3 grandparents would think to try and get the kids to write a card for me or give me something tiny..even a drawing…


Don’t get me wrong, I got lots of birthday wishes via email and I did go out for dinner to celebrate with the kids and their grandparents. The tough thing today was I received a package at work via courier from hubby’s sister who lives far away. Inside was some lovely chocolates with a card that said “He would have wanted you to have chocolate on your birthday” . I was so touched yet at the same time so sad and had to go the the washroom to release my cry. Having my birthday so close to Father’s Day just makes it a little bit tougher.  Anyway tomorrow is another day!

Father's Day

Last year I tried not to think about Father's Day since it was only 2months after hubby passed. This year I tried not to think too much about it and not make any real plans.On Friday,JJ came home with a card he made for Dad. It was really touching. Father's Day was hard for me..not what I expected. I took the boys to church  and as I sat by myself during the singing/ worship, I looked around at the families celebrating Father's Day and I was moved to tears.

The 5 Month Life

Today I went to a memorial service for a 5 month old baby girl. The one I wrote about  a couple of weeks ago. Seeing that tiny little coffin, it was hard to imagine that there was actually a baby in there. It was so very sad. The father of the baby is a friend of mine and someone I worked for and with on a daily basis for almost 5 years.To see him and his wife mourning the loss of their sweet baby girl was simply heart wrenching. I think about what they are doing and feeling right now after the service is over. I think back to what I felt and did during that 1st week after hubby passed 13 months ago. People say I can relate to how they are feeling. In some ways yes...the shock part I think.But losing an infant child is so different from losing a spouse even if it was sudden and the spouse was youg. This baby angel only had a few months to experience life.
I still can't believe that this has happened..so surreal..like it was when my husband died.

Those that don't know

Today I got a phone call and the person asked for my husband by name. I immediately said "who's calling" and they said something to do with voter registration. I quickly interrupted her and said "he's deceased". She apologized and said she will upate her records. I hung up the phone and burst into tears. I think that is the first time I have said that out loud. I've done paperwork with the word "deceased" on it but never had to say it. Just one of those emotion triggers I guess. It's always hard knowing when is the appropriate time to tell someone that has no clue. It catches them off guard and they feel awful.

The Connection

It suddenly hit me today...why is it that whenever I bump into a friend of my hubby's I am moved to tears? It could be in a mall, at the store, at my kid's hockey game...The more I thought about it the more I realized that's it's because they are my "connection" to him. These are people that we wouldn't  normally hang out with as a couple and more really his friends,either from work, hockey or someone he's known for a while before even meeting me. Knowing that that person has memories of him that I may not even know about and that they too are aching from his loss makes me well up inside. Of course, if they come and give me a hug, then the flood gates entirely open up. It is those unspoken words of  "we both miss him and are hurting" that are floating in the air amidst the embrace. That is my revelation for today!